Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
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That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be