I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
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My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
it was love at first sight
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]