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DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there鈥檚 Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
My dad.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
your honor my client chooses dare
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
馃槣
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Happy Febuary everyone!
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.