[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
You Might Also Like
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.