*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
You Might Also Like
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
good work, detective
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition