My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
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I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.