I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
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Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy