“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
You Might Also Like
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.