You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
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GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.