Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
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My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.