Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
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My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
OMG 🤣🤣
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.