I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
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Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Accurate
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice