me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
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This could be us but you eatin’
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening