I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
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Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon