Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
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“I wouldn’t.”
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Y’all ready for this
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.