I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
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SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.