That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
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Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
My life in a nutshell
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.