I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
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Sorry I made promises on Friday
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
🤣😂🤣
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????