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Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
cat vs inanimate object
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Sharon I have some bad news
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
uh oh