Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
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Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.