[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
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I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.