so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
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Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.