JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
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Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
🔦🌙👣
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.: