“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
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Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
My life coach traded me.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf