Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
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[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
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*repeat for duration of party*
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*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
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*go back once more*
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
notice
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.