[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
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Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
This was my dad’s browser history.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
My daily affirmation
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep