A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
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I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Happy Star Wars day!
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*