If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
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Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Mornin
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening