I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
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Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.