The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
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*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Has science gone too far?
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.