ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
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[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
The future is now.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”