*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
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What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”