waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
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i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Terribly Tuesday.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
me when the borders lift
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”