Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
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They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
the clam before the storm
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move