Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
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Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.