If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
You Might Also Like
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
is this a warning or an offer?
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.