Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
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Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Raisins are grape jerky.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore