CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
You Might Also Like
Well, that should do it
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.