Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
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Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!