“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
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4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
My life coach traded me.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
taking June’s advice to heart
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*