“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
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Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.