My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
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I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.