My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
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Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
don’t we all
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police