My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
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Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people