Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
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I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs