3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
You Might Also Like
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good