Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
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Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
there’s probably a fee though
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
FRED: right