Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
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Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure