Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? πππ
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Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Heroic Misunderstanding
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says βcome on, Barbie, letβs go partyβ
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh iβd love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me iβm a guitar!
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
TEENS IN THE 70S: letβs protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: letβs protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: letβs rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: letβs eat laundry detergent