I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
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My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
🤣could you imagine
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.